if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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