I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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