i just wanna soil my oats bro
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
