4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
