Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize
