Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
