I wish I only lived at night.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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