Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
