Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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