At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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