i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
3pm strippers are depressing
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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