he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
