I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
