Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
