Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
