hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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