Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize