apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
