my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
