so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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