her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
