I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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