ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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