i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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