I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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