weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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