I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
