Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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