I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
