I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
