it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize