1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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