I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
So squirting runs in the family.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
