in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
you never un-have a 4some
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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