I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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