I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
