so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
