WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize