Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
