I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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