Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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