Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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