Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
