shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
