Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
