saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
