Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
