my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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