The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize