my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
