So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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