i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
