so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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