I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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