my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
