Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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