I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
