It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
