I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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